Arogant & Ego

                    Sometimes i wonder ,  No actually i always wonder why my dad not like others?Why I'm in this unhappy family i rather have a poor family but we have a strong relationship and close to each other . What should i do to change this ego & shallow minded old man , i grew up watching this person sitting at home do nothing like a pig waiting to be fed & get angry if his belonging been touch or critic by others . And as much i don't want it to influence me on my daily life , but it does . Take a look at me now ,jobless waiting to fed by others like a pig & sometime sensitive when comes to my own space ,belongings or life .

                  I remembered once when I'm 16 i wish that god take this person life , he just didn't bring any happiness in my life and my family life . We grew up in misery and poorness , what i saw is that my mom working very hard to support our family . I promise myself  , i wont let anything happen to my mom . I always think what this person life will end up with? I'm very sure that i will not be there to take care of his empty life .

               I know i sound cruel and evil , but do i ask much from someone that i call Dad ? i just hope he could be like any other dad , loyal to his religion , have a steady job and income , someone i could to look up when i need a example , matured and think wisely . I just could not live my life like this , everytime his voice rising up i just felt like running away from home , go faraway and live my life like i don't even know anyone in my family . I'm so depress when i start to think about this old man attitude , life are hard please don't make it hard Dad . You know that you should show a good example to your children , so we could grew up and be a good person and achieve success in life ...... Oh God please ... I Beg You ..Please...!!!! send some guidance to my beloved Dad that always get angry never talk nicely to me , selfish ,Ego , arrogant  and shallow minded . End all this misery that I've suffer fro 20 years , it's just killing me not today but forever .

    To whoever that read this , please don't judge if you never ever been in this situation it's just ridiculous . And as u saw here while you read there is no cursing word because i write with matured and wise cause i do promise myself not to be like my dad when i grew up , because i don't want to die alone or been hate by my own family ...it's just so waste of time if life end up like that.

Something change Me..

                     One week before October 2011 , my agency call and mention my contract will not be continued by my Company . I felt like my boss just trying to get rid of me just because i did not have same opinion with him , but at least i'm free now from misery and unsecured feeling working at Digi . Well of cause , most of my colleagues feel sad and cry on my last day... same as me to . I realize all this time i already build friendship among them , a lot of thing I've learn from working with Digi . I am more responsible & independent right now compare before . And i do know now life could change in just split of second , God show me that i should stop worrying about other and start focus in life .I hope i could do some changes in life ..Amin


                       On second week of October 2011 , something bad just happen Black my beloved cat that I've been taking care for ten years just past away . My heart stop beating for a second there when i got the news , but at the same time i'm relief his die at least he will not be suffering anymore by my dad .But one thing about black when his gone it give impact in my family member life , my dad just don't know to whom he wanna give the balance food ,my mom don't know to whom she wanna give sympathy ,my sister will not be bugging by black anymore and Me i will have nobody to spoil with .He will always be inside my heart ,this ten years will be kept inside me ...I Miss you Black..

                    Due to this impact of loosing Black suddenly , i just can't accept all the rejection made by other people to me . I use to think in my brain if everyone reject me , i still have Black to keep accompany me without any rejection. So i start to build up an anger and hatred to others . It's weird why i can't live without a pet . i think i should get one pet then  just to let my stress out of my body . I tried jogging and it's just stressful , none is working so i hope i could find a pet right now..Please god give me something ..

                      So for now i'm not working and jobless , but i have enough money to survive and I've already send my resume to lots of company so hopefully one of that company will call me

Life after Treatment and revolution

It's Already been 7 month from the day of evolution and discrimination , i do believe my life change a lot since the black out season in my life .I do get a good job plus a good salary ,but when come to relationship or commitment i do fail easily maybe i was born to be a player or just can't love one person for life . I've meet a person who introduce me to life where we shouldn't believe in love or romance because in the end we will suffer like hell , well it is true i've been through it before and i barely can do anything for few weeks and that was not good for my body and life.So thanks to Danish i learn how to survive or control my feeling when comes to relationship.

Then later in life i just got back to my old habit that is keep changing partner and it is fun and give a bit thrill but i do hurt a lot of people feeling.

One day I've meet a girl in facebook name Amenda she's pretty and polite, i do wish to get a girlfriend like her but the old feeling and nightmare just keep haunting me and some how my X girlfriend suddenly call and message me a lot and begging for my attention . So i decide to move slow with Amenda since she was faraway from me , i just don't hope anything from her but so we keep chatting on facebook for a few month.then suddenly she give me her phone number ,i was shock i never get girls phone number .Ha3..! Just joking i do get it a lot , so  the next day i call her and she sound excited then we chat on yahoo messenger and web cam each other . Despite our age differences and maturity some how we kind click maybe because we both kinda understand each other . So one day i ask her if she interested to buy my Blackberry for cheaper price RM800 and she agreed but i ask her if i can post it through Pos Laju , and she reply can but she didn't have any proper address . so i ask her to bank in to my account RM 500.00 first as a deposit the rest she give to me when i've meet her and give her the phone by my self and she agreed. So i hope everything when well because i don't like to broke promises . 

This few month all my friend keep saying i'm kinda fat and chubby compare to my golden era where i'm hot and good looking plus fit due to my habit going to gym daily. I't does give me impact and hurt my feeling a bit

, so i decide how about i'll bring back the golden era once again but i do know that it's gonna be so hard because to jog everyday without fail is just not me for now.i do need lots of rest due to my job which have to facing all the 'POLITE' customer .but somehow i do believe it's gonna happen and i do gonna get my dream curve. Oh Please god make my wish come true. Amin

This is me Now wait for another few month  OK..

Benda Baik Dibalas Dengan kebaikan,Benda Jahat Dibalas Dengan Kejahatan Serta Kesedihan

 Betul kata orang tua-tua ,Setiap Kebaikkan pasti Tuhan akan balas dengan Kebaikkan yang berganda-ganda.Tapi setiap Kejahatan Tuhan pasti akan balas dengan Bala & Malapetaka ataupun kesedihan , dan itulah yang telah berlaku pada diriku.

         Sepanjang aku Menjadi Syahmi,aku tidak pernah sanggup menjual diri Ku ini untuk mendapatkan sesuatu yang aku idamkan.Tapi akhirnya aku telah setuju menjual maruah diriku ini hanya untuk mendapatkan benda yang aku idam - idamkan iaitu iPhone.Sudah lama aku menanti saat untuk memiliki iPhone , selama 4 tahun aku menanti . Tiba - tiba satu hari seseorang muncul dan ingin mengenali diriku serta mahu memberi apa sahaja yang aku inginkan ,aku pula terdesak untuk memilik iPhone jadi aku memintanya iPhone .Tanpa banyak soal si dia bersetuju dengan syarat aku miliknya walaupun untuk satu hari . Aku pun setuju , setelah seminggu berlalu si dia masih tidak tunaikan janjinya untuk memberi Ku iPhone . Lalu aku mula menyoal si dia samada ingin menunaikan janjinya atau pun tidak , jika tidak aku akan berhenti menghubunginya . Akibat takut kehilangan diriku si dia setuju untuk berjumpa diri Ku pada 19/01/2011 ,penat aku menanti sehinggakan aku tidak lena untuk tidur dengan nyenyak .Namun bila tiba harinya tiada khabar berita dari si dia ,aku pasrah dan kecewa namun jauh disudut hatiku sedar yang si dia akan tunaikan janjinya.Keesokan harinya aku menelefon si dia dan meluahkan rasa tidak puas hati kerana diperlakukan sebegitu rupa sedangkan aku tidak melakukan apa - apa yang melayakkan aku menerima layanan sebegitu .Kemudian si dia meminta maaf dan berjanji akan berjumpa pada hari seterusnya ,tiba keesokkan harinya si dia tiba - tiba perlu pulang ke kampung atas alasan atuknya jatuh sakit.Sekali lagi aku kecewa dan merasa tertipu ,namun si dia berjanji akan berjumpa aku pada 22/01/2011 pada jam 5 petang .Jauh di dalam sudut hatiku ini ,aku seperti dapat merasakan yang perkara buruk akan berlaku dan seperti semua ini mimpi yang akan menghantui diriku ini.Aku tahu maruah diri lebih penting bukan iPhone yang dipandang oleh hati ku ini namun keinginan untuk memiliki sesuatu yang aku tidak pernah ada dan kecapi itu yang sebenarnya aku kejari dari dulu.

            Pada 22/01/2011 ,aku mula hari Ku dengan kekecewaan apabila si dia tiba - tiba menjadi berang kerana aku tidak menjawab panggilan telefon nya pada malam sebelumnya . Aku menjadi bingung kerana si dia yang tidka menjawab panggilan aku pada awalnya , kemudian si dia tidak semena - mena menjadi amarah dan bengis serta tiada mood untuk berjumpa aku . Aku berulang kali memujuk dan mengingatkan si dia yang si dia telah janji pada diriku yang si dia akan berjumpa , aku juga telah berfikir dengan sedalam - dalamnya yang aku tidka mahu si dia membelikan iPhone itu untuk ku . Aku tidak mahu terhutang budi , namun si dia tidak mempedulikkan aku . Saat berlalu dengan pantas dan hati Ku berdegup dengan pantasnya ,Tiba saatnya jam menunjukkan pukul 5 petang sbayang si dia tidka muncul tiba. Dari saat itu aku sedar segala harapan aku telah hancur ,aku telah ditipu dna dipermainkan . Aku tidak mampu berkata apa - apa selain termenung dan meratap kesedihan diriku ini , aku bersyukur dalam saat yang begitu sedih dan getir ini tuhan berikan aku kekuatan untuk menahan emosi dan air mata dari mengalir agar aku dapat bekerja dengan tenangnya .
Kejadian ini betul - betul menyedarkan diri ku yang setiap perkara yang aku lakukan pasti ada balasannya samada cepat ataupun lambat ia pasti akan tiba .Aku redha dengan dugaanMu Ini Ya Allah Ya Tuhan Ku , Semoga ia menjadi pengajaran dan ikhtibar buat diriku yang lemah ini ...........

Disebabkan perkara ini....aku ingin berhenti berfacebook buat sementara waktu ..... aku rasa inilah tindakan yang terbaik buat diriku agar aku dapat rehatkan minda serta emosi diriKu ini yang sedang kesakitan ...

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