Why Is it always turn out like this?

My Love Story

I never good in having a building a relationship for love or the word in malaysia is 'couple'.I have a secret admire in high school and that is my first attempt to build a relationship,but in ends when i focusing my mind on SPM.But after i enter college world it seem that life just changing,i've become this 'hot' person,well i jog for the rest 2 years after finishing high school and stick to a strict diet just to get thinner and better.The result is so awsome ,thanks to god.But people just don't want to me me sincerely.There always some other hide agenda,that obviously i can see with my own eyes.
In college i try to behave myself,i never seduce anyone or play with anyone feeling just act as a friend thats it.But in 2007 2 week before ramadhan month i meet a girl.At that time i was 19 years old and she was 25,the gap of our age kinda become a big question 'will it work?'.But somehow i kinda getting closer to her,well she have cry at my shoulder and ask me out for a date.Well what kinda guy wanna reject a girl like her,polite,have steady jobs,car,house basically a steady life.So i just ask her to be my friend first,when i'm ready we move forward to another level.Then Raya Aidilifitri Month arrive,i ask her to accompany me to visit all my friend and to my grandmother house.Everything when well,but the next day bad things happen.When she is so happy and enjoy the moment because we have meet each other family,she expecting thing will be more serious from me.I was 19 ,i'm not ready to be that serious yet.Then my mom ask me ,
are you seriously want that girl to be your girl friend?,Your grandmother says that she look older then you.'.Then my sister add on 'yeah! her age is same as me,i don't want to call her little sister just because she was your girlfriend'.I was like shock,what should i do? i never declared we are couple or boyfriend and girlfriend.And how am i suppose to tell her that my grandmother,mom and sister don't think we are fit together.Then that night i tell her that it's best if we just be friend after this .She call me and shouting and mocking me.I reply with a calm voice and strongly pointed that never declared anything.The next day i've got a message from her friend,Are u happy now?destroying other people life.I was shock,i never ever want to destroy other people life.Then later at night she call me and mention she's in hospital because she eat a bottle of pain killer,and she said that if she can walk right now she would go to the street and let cars heat her and die instantly .I try my best to advise her not to do so,i was crying listen to her words.It's like i almost dying there,i would sure that no other guy would answer a call and to entice their ex-Gf.But somehow .I manage to answer with calm and try to entice her to pray to god,dieing wont solve anything.But she still stubborn ,so i put the phone down and try to think what will happen next in my life and her life.The next day she message me,'i'm at HBKL right now.'.Then i put my brave face and told all the story to my parent,my mom ask have i promise her anything.I answer calmly ,'no mom i never - ever promise her anything'.My mom offer me that she will go and talk to her and ask her to forget me.I hardly decline it ,i said to my mom 'NO! please don't,just leave her alone and forget this '.Actually from that day until now i never find or feel any feeling that can be describe as near as falling in love again.It all just because of lust,which i already bored with.
I meet few other girl after that,but i never want to fall in love again.The tragedy makes me realize that if i want to fall in love make sure it's gonna be forever ,girl's have more hormone than guys.So their feeling are sharper than their brain,sometimes i do make mistake by treating them specially and spoil them .But i just wanna make friend,not be couple or love partner.I don't know when i'm gonna fall in love again and ready for this.Why i always decline people invitation for a date,the answer is because i'm not ready.I don't wanna waste anybody time for me that not sure about anything,they mike says ' hey! let's try to build a relationship first'.But is it worth for me to try when there so many time i broke other people hope and feeling just by not accepting their love?.I don't care if people says that i'm snobbish or arrogant ,as long i don't hurt anyone feeling and especially my own feeling then it's fine for me.What more can i ask than a peaceful life,but i admit that sometime i feel very lonely,gladly my best friend are there to accompany me.But until when?

Have i lost everything ?will i get the chance again?will i be part of this thing called love?
or i will stay single and lonely like this for long time?When should i start finding the one?or should i just let the times heal my heart and let the love come by it's self to me......Whatever happen i let go decide,the bad comes from us and the goods come from God.I never gonna give up,maybe it's just not the right time yet.